shira

This past week Lucas had his second surgery under general in the last two months. Last month he had work done on the veins in his legs and this past week he had shoulder repair surgery on his rotator cuff, got torn tendons mended and fixed some bursitis. Both surgeries we not life threatening they were injury and age related and probably could be described as minor.

It was the first time since Mom’s passing that someone so close to me was back in a challenged position. If I am being honest with myself and those who are reading this blog then, I would have to admit that it was really scary.

Getting Lucas home from the surgery was the easy part, seeing his level of pain on his face and hearing it in his voice and not being able to do much to help was excruciating. He was breaking though his meds - not able to sleep, not wanting to eat and very, very exhausted.

A few days after the surgery he was in the tub and we were removing the surgical bandages. I gently washed them down and as I was going through the motions it was as if as huge wave of memories came surging back. In my mind I was kneeling down next to the tub with animal wash mittens on my hands washing Mom’s back. I remember the sounds of the water, the smell of the soap, the curve in her spine as she folded over awaiting a good soapy scrub…. My mind was right back there but my reality was almost four years ahead of those memories. I felts a swell of emotion in my throat as water works came down my face. Lucas looked at me with concern but I had few words at the time.

Later that day I noticed that I was all over him - checking to see if he had taken his meds, asking about pain levels, pushing food and generally scurrying around. I soon realized that my carer switched that had been off for several years was unknowingly and suddenly switched back on. In thinking about it further I believe that once you have developed this switch, this carer characteristic, it is with you for life. Having it can be a blessing, but it is vital to be able to control it and know how to turn it off.

Lucas was in for surgery for an injury, one that with time will completely repair itself… It is not chronic, it is not an emergent situation or something to cause great emotional upheaval…. It is just a part of life. He will be fine - I need to learn how to chill.