Today I was thinking about sadness, anxiety, anger and hurt… All very strong emotions. It think that it is ingrained in our culture to do anything and everything we can to shirk off what are perceived as negative and detrimental feelings. Yes, long term gripping or looming negative mindsets can cause physical and emotional damage however, I think that it is important to acknowledge the feelings you may have.

For me, when I get into that grey head space and I have time, I allow myself to roll around in those feelings, to get dirty with my negative thoughts… I try to touch and feel, let myself go in the emotions. It is almost like when you crave a type of food… Maybe it is chocolate… If you restrain yourself and “be good” by avoiding the chocolate then in a moment of less self control you find your self gorging on a double fist of kit kat, Rolo, Twix and Milky Way all at once.

My thought is that if you give yourself a limit, like 3 hours of mental cloudy skies and a good cry or one bag of twizzlers then cap it off, you allow yourself to honor what you are feeling within reason and then move forward.

Maybe my analogy using junk food isn’t a good one but, I am hugely preggers right now and sweet sugary goodness is about all I can think about :0)

Hello Lovelies,

I have taken a break from blogging for the last while… The lil’ babe inside of me had been capturing a lot of my attention and energy lately. Lucas and I also have been hard at work getting some additional features ready to rock on the www.choosingjoy.com beta site. By the end of this week you will be able to more easily share in each others experiences, ask questions and be a part of the answers…. Yes, that’s right…Forums are coming. In addition, for all you fantabulous bloggers and vloggers we are now able to syndicate your blog to the Choosing Joy universe! Sharing your stories, musings, trials and triumphs is not only unbelievable therapeutic but can inspire others in the community to do the same and gives them the oppertunity to realize that there our others out there walking similar paths.

Come check out the site, sign up and become part of the Choosing Joy environment and let us know what you think!

www.choosingjoy.com

With Joy,

Shira

This past week Lucas had his second surgery under general in the last two months. Last month he had work done on the veins in his legs and this past week he had shoulder repair surgery on his rotator cuff, got torn tendons mended and fixed some bursitis. Both surgeries we not life threatening they were injury and age related and probably could be described as minor.

It was the first time since Mom’s passing that someone so close to me was back in a challenged position. If I am being honest with myself and those who are reading this blog then, I would have to admit that it was really scary.

Getting Lucas home from the surgery was the easy part, seeing his level of pain on his face and hearing it in his voice and not being able to do much to help was excruciating. He was breaking though his meds - not able to sleep, not wanting to eat and very, very exhausted.

A few days after the surgery he was in the tub and we were removing the surgical bandages. I gently washed them down and as I was going through the motions it was as if as huge wave of memories came surging back. In my mind I was kneeling down next to the tub with animal wash mittens on my hands washing Mom’s back. I remember the sounds of the water, the smell of the soap, the curve in her spine as she folded over awaiting a good soapy scrub…. My mind was right back there but my reality was almost four years ahead of those memories. I felts a swell of emotion in my throat as water works came down my face. Lucas looked at me with concern but I had few words at the time.

Later that day I noticed that I was all over him - checking to see if he had taken his meds, asking about pain levels, pushing food and generally scurrying around. I soon realized that my carer switched that had been off for several years was unknowingly and suddenly switched back on. In thinking about it further I believe that once you have developed this switch, this carer characteristic, it is with you for life. Having it can be a blessing, but it is vital to be able to control it and know how to turn it off.

Lucas was in for surgery for an injury, one that with time will completely repair itself… It is not chronic, it is not an emergent situation or something to cause great emotional upheaval…. It is just a part of life. He will be fine - I need to learn how to chill.